Monday, April 1, 2013

It's over.

I've tried keeping a diary, you probably have too.  It doesn't work.
If I've ever needed to vent, it's right now.  Have you ever had a moment, a single instance, that has torn your world apart? For me, it was yesterday.  How do you react when you find out that you might never see someone again.  Let's go back to the beginning.  It's August 13, 2011 - my fifteenth birthday.  My friends and I are out. We're acting like any other reckless teenagers. We're trying to get the attention of four guys.  We're desperate, we want the attention.  We get it. And that moment changed any summers at Valdelagrana that were to come. It's ten days later, and I've fallen for one of them, hopelessly and completely.  It's stupid, to fall in love at Valdelagrana.  We are only there six weeks out of the year.  Don't see each other any other time of the year.  Yet we've all seem to have fallen in love at least once there.  Raul.  His voice.  His personality.  The way he says my name.  Him.  Just him in general.  That's what made me fall so hard.  He's better than he knows.  I say I'm over him, but every time I look into those dark brown eyes, it's like falling in love all over again.  He doesn't have eyes for me, though.  I've accepted it, and though it still hurts everyday, it's something I've learned to live with.  When you love someone, you want them to be happy - not just happy if they're with you.  You can't be selfish.  He can love whoever he wants and I'm okay with that.  I'm happy just knowing that even though he doesn't love me in the way that I love him, he still loves me.  Maybe as just a friend, maybe as a sister. I don't particularly care, but I don't know how I'd live if he hated me.  That's something I couldn't live with.  So now it's about a year and a half later. It's been seven months since I last saw him and it's torture.  And yesterday I find out that it's possible that I never see him again.  I don't want to think like that.  I can't think like that.  But if I don't see him this summer, I can't get through another year.  He means too much to me.  And I honestly don't know why?  Is it his protectiveness?  Is it his slight vulnerability?  Is it the fact that he is the first boy I've ever really loved?  Is it that fact that he rejects me, that makes me want him more?  I don't know and I don't care about the reason behind my feelings.  But I need to either forget about him, or...

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