Monday, September 23, 2013

The Fault in Our Stars

I just recently finished reading "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green.  I was probably the saddest book I've ever read, but it has become one of my favorite books.  The book is about Hazel Grace, a sixteen year old girl who was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer three years earlier.  The book discusses her struggle with cancer and her love story with Augustus Waters, a boy she meets at her cancer support group and falls in love with.  Their relationship is exactly was love should be like.  The twist at the ending is enough to make anyone tear up and I believe that many people would enjoy this novel.  *No spoilers.*

Monday, April 1, 2013

Poem to A(n) (Ex)Friend

Once upon a time there was a boy I knew,
Not gonna lie, my mind he blew.
He seemed absolutely perfect in every way
All I could think about was him, night and day.
One day he decided to become a part of me,
Never had I ever felt so free.
We became fast friends, thought we'd last forever.
What came next I hadn't expected, never.
Nothing hurts more than a stab in the back,
Everything in my world really did turn to black.
The thought of things I'd done after have brought me to shame,
How much I wish that he were the only one to blame.
What I did to myself was horrible, with no excuse
No living being deserves that much mental abuse.
So many things that I'd like to say,
Guts it must take for a friend to betray.
Why he did it I truly don't know,
Why he could commit to throwing at me such a heavy blow.
Whether it was bravery or cowardice I cannot decide,
It's so sad to lose a friend in which I truly could confide.
Going after a stranger was truly a mistake,
Then again it seemed like losing him was a chance I was willing to take.
Now you, yes you, go run off with your little whore,
But you'll come back expecting me to be crushed, crying on the floor.
You were wrong about me like I was wrong about you,
You say you've changed, though I myself grew.
I've learned from my mistakes, I hope you have too,
Although having you try to get back in shows you're the same old you.
What we used to have is now clearly in the past,
I should have known the times we spent together were too good to last.
I don't need you're apologies of explanations,
Just seeing your number appear on my phone brings me complications.
If it hasn't been clear, I've forgotten about you and I suggest you do the same,
I was a genuine friend and you lost me and for that you are the only one to blame.
I've left all of our memories sitting atop a far away shelf,
So if at night you think of me, don't cry for me but for yourself.
I'm sorry to say you once were my friend,
But happy to say that this is the end.

It's over.

I've tried keeping a diary, you probably have too.  It doesn't work.
If I've ever needed to vent, it's right now.  Have you ever had a moment, a single instance, that has torn your world apart? For me, it was yesterday.  How do you react when you find out that you might never see someone again.  Let's go back to the beginning.  It's August 13, 2011 - my fifteenth birthday.  My friends and I are out. We're acting like any other reckless teenagers. We're trying to get the attention of four guys.  We're desperate, we want the attention.  We get it. And that moment changed any summers at Valdelagrana that were to come. It's ten days later, and I've fallen for one of them, hopelessly and completely.  It's stupid, to fall in love at Valdelagrana.  We are only there six weeks out of the year.  Don't see each other any other time of the year.  Yet we've all seem to have fallen in love at least once there.  Raul.  His voice.  His personality.  The way he says my name.  Him.  Just him in general.  That's what made me fall so hard.  He's better than he knows.  I say I'm over him, but every time I look into those dark brown eyes, it's like falling in love all over again.  He doesn't have eyes for me, though.  I've accepted it, and though it still hurts everyday, it's something I've learned to live with.  When you love someone, you want them to be happy - not just happy if they're with you.  You can't be selfish.  He can love whoever he wants and I'm okay with that.  I'm happy just knowing that even though he doesn't love me in the way that I love him, he still loves me.  Maybe as just a friend, maybe as a sister. I don't particularly care, but I don't know how I'd live if he hated me.  That's something I couldn't live with.  So now it's about a year and a half later. It's been seven months since I last saw him and it's torture.  And yesterday I find out that it's possible that I never see him again.  I don't want to think like that.  I can't think like that.  But if I don't see him this summer, I can't get through another year.  He means too much to me.  And I honestly don't know why?  Is it his protectiveness?  Is it his slight vulnerability?  Is it the fact that he is the first boy I've ever really loved?  Is it that fact that he rejects me, that makes me want him more?  I don't know and I don't care about the reason behind my feelings.  But I need to either forget about him, or...